This will likely be the most bitter thing outside of a manic drunken text message I’ve written. Forgive me for being so brash, since I’ve quit drinking and injecting my blue veins with sugary sweet Fentanyl, I find myself in a constant state of boredom and jealousy. You see, at least 90% of the time when I reach out to friends to do literally anything they have to check with their girlfriends or wives. Their answers range from “I’ll see if she wants to come” or “she doesn’t want to do anything right now”. My guy, I wasn’t asking her, so why are you? What is this? What happened during the decade I spent under the influence (TBS reference because I’m old)? Where did everyone go? Is this life? When did a trip to Target become the desirable highlight of a weekend?
Let’s clarify a few things here up front: Currently, I am sober. No, I don’t attend meetings or do anything to maintain this beyond my white knuckles. No, I’m not an incel nor do I hate women. Yes, I am single. That is not an invitation, but like your local Waffle House, this run down mess is always accepting applicants. I find happiness to be an elusive myth and out of sheer desperation and self-preservation, I’ve convinced myself anyone claiming to be experiencing it to have pants aflame. Finally, yes, I have a therapist.
You see, as it turns out, life is like having an erection while wearing a strait jacket in a packed courtroom. Embarrassing and helpless, but biologically there’s a point to the predicament. I can’t believe I just wrote that, I’m leaving it in. In 1985, the fantastic Gray Matter wrote a song called “Take It Back” with the hook reading “Got to rely on myself, because there’s really no one else”. That is how life feels today. Everyone I reach out to is so distant so preoccupied with their work and significant other and making new friends is like gardening in beach sand. Life is so lonely. Video games, anime, and drugs were always my go to escapes but swearing off 33% of those and slowly losing interest in the others has left me erect in a strait jacket, juries’ eyes a gaze. I don’t know what to do with myself.
There’s no real point to this. It’s just a rant. I feel lost and alone all the time. I feel as though I’m doing everything wrong. I’m tired of my hobbies and not convinced of the future. Should I keep my head down and just play video games? Should I go out to bars and order apple juice? Is the end goal to meet someone to go to Target with every weekend?
Hilarious piece. In a way, life is really about finding someone who doesnt need to be “high” with you to get “high” with you, where the mundane Target runs or walks around your neighborhood are just the pleasant backdrop to being with that one person who’s willing to show up for you
That sucks, man. At least you’re seeing a therapist.